25 January 2012


I was introduced to Darrell* threw the site it was the first time my inbox was filled with a question not concerning fashion, make up or tips. It was boldly subjected on the down low and need help. I am no therapist have never attended college for anything of the sort. I did however find  myself intrigued by the fact the sender was a male and a follower of the blog. I opened the email to find pictures of a handsome black male in his early 30's clean cut and with a lovely wife and two twin boys. It was the subtitle that shocked me in all capital letters below it stated "I'M LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM AND LYING ABOUT IT".  I emailed Darrell to further understand exactly what was the meaning behind his statement. He quickly responded and agreed to skype me for an official interview.

The Dictionary defines down low as:

Main Entry:   down low
Part of Speech:   n
Definition:   (used with the secrecy, low profile; a life orworld of secrecy; abbr. DL; also written down-low
Example:   Keep this on the down-low.
Etymology:   1992

There he was sitting in front of his computer screen sipping on a large cup of Starbucks. He explained he only had about a half an hour for the interview before he had to pick his wife up for lunch. They met every Monday for either lunch or breakfast since moving in and marrying almost ten years ago. It was their way of starting the work week right and hopefully ending it better. I had written down a list of things I wanted him to answer. I mean after all seldom are down low men this open about their sexuality. He agreed to answer any and all question with the understanding his identity will no be revealed. I quickly agreed after all my mind was going a million miles a minute. I sat there for a few minutes just looking at him and listening to him speak.  He was approximately 6 ft broad shoulder almond shaped brown eyes with a full beard. He stood to show me his physique I could tell he worked out religiously. His voice was deep calm and steady I waited to hear a bit of femininity peek threw but there was none. I hear people say they have gaydar and how they can spot a dl man. Mr. Darrell was like any man on the street you would see in passing and  nothing of him screamed Gay. He had made it threw 4 yrs of college at FAMU went threw an entire line in college and even his "brothers" didn't know his little secret. 

So What Made you contact me?
Darrell: Because I know that you are going to tell it like it is with no sugar coat (he shrugs and looks away) I guess because I'm tired of living a lie and just needed someone to talk to. 

What Do you consider your sexual orientation?
Darrell: I'm bisexual don't for one second think I don't get aroused by my wife because I do It's just that I happen to like men as well. 

So what made you bi sexual?
Darrell: I know what you want to hear it's what everyone wants to hear.

Excuse Me I don't want to hear anything but the truth 
Darrell: Well the Truth is I will not sit her and say my uncle,father or cousins molested me or came into my room as a child. The fact of the matter is no one ever touched me ever I am this way all on my own. no excuses just truth and this right here right now is my truth. 

So what you're saying is you have like men or boys since you were little?

Darrell: No I was too young to even think about sex or what it meant

Darrell went on to say he had his first male encounter of all places the gym. He described it as "secretive and powerful". The first time he encountered a man was in the shower at a local 24 hour fitness. He had just finished his hour and half set. He worked out religiously it was his time of peace. It wasn't until he felt a hand on his back in the shower. At first touch He was stunned  when Shawn* the guy whom he had worked out with over the past few months stroked his manhood. It was even more of shocking when he didn't stop him and a kiss opened Pandora's box. It wasn't his first or only sexual intercourse with a man along the years Darrell has admitted to having more then 19 sexual partners excluding his wife who he still has sex with without protection. I questioned him on the Aids epidemic and why he wouldn't just leave his wife and live life as a gay man. It was in that Moment the interview changed and Darrell was very direct with his answer:

" first of all Linda I'm not gay I'm just a man who enjoys everything. I have sex with my wife because I still love and I'm still attracted to her. I don't see the problem in it I'm not hurting her I protect myself every time I step out. How you figure it's only Men you think there aren't down low women. People are selfish they want their cake and ice cream and some more damn cake and I just happened to be one of those people.

I concluded that Darrell should seek some major counseling as to why he doesn't understand what he's doing is wrong. Even if you love a person you tell the TRUTH and give them that right to stay or go at no point is it okay to lie,deceive or manipulate a person. Darrell is just another story out of a Million and one. It was the part about down low women that stuck with me as to where I can relate. I have come across several in my time and they are down right secretive about their love of women. Now that is another story in it self. what your opinion ladies?



  1. This is a sad truth.I have a lot of gay friends some open and some on the DL..both men and women. Most of my gay guy friends that got married only got married because they wanted a family and b/c society approves of it more. I think people should be open about their sexuality with their mate.....I used to date women exclusively and my mate was ok with it b/c I told him and didn't let him find out about it from other people.

    1. first and foremost thank you ladies for your thoughts @stayl4curves i commend your truth. so you are saying you dated women and your spouse was okay with that?

  2. The fact that darrel still sleeps with his wife is disgusting bc its not only AIDS or HIV that is a problem. So is herpes or warts. The truth will set him free, and if he told her and she walked away, at the end of the day he will be more happy and relieved that he is "out".


  3. Crystal I urged him to inform her for his sanity and hers but honestly it's up to him. You don't sleep with Society who cares if Society doesn't except it!I find that ppl not just Darrell are so worried with what everyone else is doing and thinking of them that they can't think for themselves. I say come on OUT but it's his choice at the end of the day.

  4. He was okay with me dating women in my past and it hasn't been a major obstacle in our relationship and he knows I am still attracted to women as well. I think it's about honesty.....no I don't cheat with women on the side but do I still look at them even tho I'm in a commited relationship HELL YEAH!! lolll

  5. I feel sorry for his wife. She doesnt know how disgusting her cheating husband is, poor thing.

  6. Omg you you chosed the right pic of wade an noah!It's a coincedince that your topic comes up while im reading e lynn harris books an according to what i read these down low men are in denial they want to feel normal according to what society view normal they want to be excepted an majority of these down low men dont want to be disowned be their family members or risk being called faggot, sissy. or asked are they a top or bottom.....I have gay family members an i was very luck to spend new yrs with a cuzin an his male friends in atlanta an to sit an talk so openly with them you find out alot some been with woman an have kids but saw a male that they couldnt stop looking at an thinking bout so they left the woman an still a good male role model in their kids life some was disowned some where cut off from family wealth some where beat with the bible and told god made adam an eve not adam an steve and others didnt want to deal with the gay bashings and some just not out the closet period an living the same double life at first i dint understand but after sitting an talking i see how hard it use to be but to be honest being gay is so open now i dont see the need to be down low anymore you have kids in elementary school an middle school where i live thats so in your face with it so i think he should just choose one an stop living a double life....sorry for the long book its just this touch home for me!

  7. This is crazy!...
    On soo many levels.
    1-I know of a couple of guys who are doing the same and don't call themselves "gay" either.It's like saying you're a vegetarian but you eat beef. ::blank stare::
    I know this is more serious than the analogy stated however,people are afraid to put a title on issues.YES it's an issue.You made a covenant when you got married,we're not talking about a relationship we're talking life partnership and frankly I think it's SELFISH.
    2-Wrong has no face,skin,color or creed.
    He's WRONG,on so many levels.I think that people accept things because of the fear of rejection.The reason he stays with his wife is probably because there's a wavering.It's more than society.If there is anything you believe and hold strong to you'd stick by it %100 .I believe there's a tug of war going on emotionally.
    I also am a Christian and I won't throw religious beliefs out at people.I disagree with his lifestyle,at the same time pushing past the surface I feels there's A LOT going on in his heart.I think that he owes it to his wife to tell her.A man is suppose to lead,to protect ,to be the strength and back bone.WHAT is he doing?And NO this ONE thing doesn't take away from his ability to do that ,for a liar,a thief or a heterosexual cheater I'd say the same thing.We all have choices.

    Ok so I wrote a book too...lol

  8. Wow! I'm quite angered that he admits that he's selfish and at the same time doesn't see the damage that he's doing to his family, he's not being honest with himself at all because if he was he would admit to himself that he's gay. He's attracted to men and only cheats on his wife with men (cheating with women wouldn't make it any better because he's married, I'mm just saying), he only keeps his wife around for show. He hasn't dealt with the fact that he's GAY, him using the term bisexual is only to make him feel a little better about what he's doing, truth be told dude is GAY. If he could walk away from his marriage/family without the ridicule of society, he would do it and live happy with a man.

    Black women between the ages of 21-45 are the leading new cases of HIV/AIDS, I refuse to believe that each time he has stepped out with his wife that he has strapped up and if he did, thank God. What "Darrell" will need to know is, what's done in the dark will come to the light. His best bet is to find a way to reveal to this wife and children, that way he can do some damagae control, rather than her finding out from somebody else, him being caught up or caught in the act.

  9. Well, I can certainly saw I am taken aback by this post. It is somewhat alarming that he doesn't think that what he does is wrong. Anytime you step out on your mate, whether you are gay or not, you need to tell the other person. You are putting them at so many risks and not just STDs. What if the person you are sleeping with gets jealous and finds your wife? People are crazy these days and you never know what they will do. The bottom line is that this isn't right. He needs to tell his wife. The longer he chooses not to, the more it will build and will potentially crumble.


  10. Wow. I have a friend who is downlow and forever will be. He doesn't know that I know, but i KNOW.

    Honestly, I think it's sad.
    Like you said...lay all the cards out on the table, let me decide if I want to stay or leave.
    I know that if I was ever put in a situation as such, I'd probably try to kill him once I found out.
    NO sir, that is unacceptable.

    Now with the downlow women, the same applies. If your married and fucking other people on the side...at some point honesty should be shed on the subject.
    Man, it's crazy how often this happens too.

  11. I think whatever works for him. We do not live in his shoes so should not judge. Maybe his wife know just doesnt believe. I am into women and my husband knows it. He was with her with me. But he also knows that i love him dearly just that women catch my eye. For me honesty was key.now we both spot pretty ladies lol

  12. So f' the children, uh? Who says the wife knows,low down people are good at lying until they get caught up.

    I guess you would feel folks are judging since this is your scene.

  13. Its not f the children , just as stated who r we to judge we only know what he as told. Agree that he should be honest but ..clearly he doesnt want to. Yes its my scene but the difference is that i let my spouse know and yes we hve children

  14. I was married to a 'Darrell'. And he was a pastor. I have two thoughts about this gentleman and here they are. 1) He's selfish. He's arrogant. He doesn't care if he put an innocent woman (his wife) and babies (twin boys) in danger. His altruistic attitude can cause grave danger for not only him, but those close to him. 2) His contacting you was a cry for help. Your advice to seek counseling was spot on. I say this because after I found out about my husband he committed suicide; on the church ground. You could have possibly been this young gentleman's lifeline.

  15. I am stunned and angry..
    I feel sorry for his wife
    she probably thinkin everything is cake and ice cream
    but wooow
    As a Christian, I am thought to love sinners and hate sin
    but the immoral sin he is committing is well beyond me
    and the fact that he is lying about it... woow

  16. Correct me if I'm wrong, but where does it say that he cheats on his wife? I would like to know if he is cheating on his wife with other men or is just attracted to other men? There is a difference. His attraction to other men will be the same as his attraction to other women. Just something you have to fight off because you are in a committed relationship. The reason I throw that out there is because when you have a situation like this, people automatically pull the AIDS card. While its true that women who sleep with Men who have sex with other men (MSM) their chances of contracting HIV is higher, but dont forget AIDS/HIV does not discriminate. Heterosexual men/ women give the virus to their partners everyday. Now back to this guy, the only thing I feel he is wrong for is not being open about his sexuality with his wife. She deserves to KNOW the man she is married to. He shouldn't be attacked because of his desire for the same sex. This is what keeps him in the dark... not only is it his own hang up, but the fact that society condems him is what keeps him on the downlow. Heterosexual people who feel strongly against the gay lifestyle mistake one thing. You dont have to approve of my lifestyle. You have your own personal standards and thats fine, but im still human and deserve to be treated with respect. For example, me being a gay woman, I dont believe in abortion. But I dont banish people who believe in it or women who have had abortions. These are My beliefs, my standards, but still I have respect for your life. I dont agree with your decisions and would never do it myself, but who am I to judge? In this case, his wife deserves to know the truth. She should know that the man she loves is bisexual. That he is attracted to both sexes. It wont change the fact the he is a provider, he is a father, a protector, that he is in fact the person she fell in love with. Gay people are more than just their sexuality. Should she leave just because he is attraced to men? I dont know. Im not her. That is a decision that she deserves to make on her own.

  17. For LezBianBomb:

    Here's the quote where HE stated he cheats on his wife.

    " I have sex with my wife because I still love and I'm still attracted to her. I don't see the problem in it I'm not hurting her I protect myself every time I step out."

    1. Thanks for clearing that up. But yes, she deserves to know the truth as I stated before. If he was cheating with another woman, she would still deserve to know the truth. I'm not concerned with the means by which he is cheating (how and with who) but more so with the deed. The fact that he is cheating period.

  18. I dated and fell in love with a man on the DL.
    to him he didnt see anything wrong or never even apologized for the hurt n scar he gave me.
    Now, in my new relationship, its super hard to trust that this man who loves me will not step out n fuck another man. the cheating on me with women... i can handle... but with a man, thats a whole other level. Its sick and its a painful thing to live with when u feel worthless because u think ur not good enough to satisfy the needs of your man. I just pray every night that the same doesnt happen to me again. I wish all you ladies well in this journey of life. I could never fully trust any man ever again.

  19. Scrolling through your blog I know Im extra late but I have to get this off my chest. I met a young man at 18 and this was the first person I have ever loved. Fast forward some time, we're 19 and now about eight months in to our relationship he began to act strange and I just summed it up to other "bitches". It broke my heart that he was being so distant and so cold. I couldn't take the disrespect of being stood up, calls ignored, etc.
    After I broke up with him and we spent some time apart (his decision not mine) he came around calling me and picking up where we left off. I was so jaded and so ready to get my best friend back that I welcomed him in open arms. This lasted for another six months and we were back to dating when the strange behavior began again. He was often angry and had an attitude which I could not figure out. He suddenly stopped speaking to me and this time I refused to be the dumb girl to constantly call him and make amends. Im 20 years old at this point. I can't go through the bullshit again. It was about 6 weeks after he cut me off that I decided to check his email (maybe I was wrong but trust that woman's intuition) I found membership details to gay dating sites and read conversations. I put together the pieces. He was in a relationship with a friend that he lied about. They ended so he came back to me. I was stunned and shocked.
    Now its about six months later and I can look back at that situation feeling a few things. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about him. We knew each other for about two years, dated for half of that and I considered him one of my best friends. We clicked, it was something that just felt right. When I found out he was gay or bisexual (not sure what he considers himself) I was in shock mode. I never cried, I'd done too much of that while we were together. But the process of getting over him has been a difficult one. A part of me misses my friend and a part of me hates him. I am in support of the LGBTQIA community but I am not in support of dishonesty or putting someone's feelings at risk while you're experimenting. I hold in a lot of anger some days, a lot of confusion other days and a lot of questioning all the time. It's hard for me to feel positive towards men right now or trust them.
    I will say this sometimes you have to trust your God. I do not want to sound churchy but God was steering me away from this person the first time. I was just so hard-headed and in my emotions that I pushed for a relationship the second time around. I refused to be the girl that waited for you to get your shit together. That wasn't me. It was either we worked on us or we were apart. I guess he chose what he thought was beneficial to his needs.
    My best advice is to trust your gut. If you feel something is wrong then there probably is. Looking back now I should have seen the signs that he liked men. Pay attention to their friends and stories that do not make sense. There were no condoms in his glove compartment, girls in his FaceBook inbox, lipstick on his tshirt, etc. I could find no slip ups or signs of another female but I should have known when it came to lack of intimacy (another bullet I dodged). Lastly try not to internalize it. This is their personal battle, not yours. From personal experience I can say it sucks that I question what was genuine and what was an act, but I can say that since he abruptly ended our relationship I have stopped blocking my blessings.

    Good Luck to All! & Great Topic!


Blogger Template Created by pipdig